Get Behind the What to the Why
This is the second blog in the series, “A Field Manual for Pastors.” Each post will offer practical advice that I offer to pastors I work with. These are insights I never learned in seminary. They are lessons I learned from leading firemen and soldiers and from forty years of leading churches through every challenge imaginable. I will be sharing the core strategies I used as I sought to give my life to the church while protecting my heart and my time so that I could do what matters most to Jesus.
I left the meeting feeling overwhelmed with confusion and disgust. My preparation and presentation were flawless. No honest or reasonable person could disagree. What others around the table were upset over was unfounded. Rather than hearing me out, two people left the meeting in tears, and one threw their church keys on the table saying, “I’m through with this place.”
For years I read passages on persuading others of the truth like Acts 17:2-4 or 18:4 thinking that, like Paul, I could reason with unhappy people to reach a satisfactory conclusion. I had traced the words persuade and convince in the Bible and believed that was the formula. Building my case, I’d line up biblical proof texts, history lessons from the Book of Acts, and early church history. I confidently entered meetings, assuming biblical proof and logic would win the day.
It never landed. And I mean, it never landed. Concentrating on the what, in exposing the failed underpinning of their opinion, just angered them.
When I started thinking about the importance of trust in leadership, I realized I had been using the wrong strategy. Unhappy people are not interested in the biblical basis or logic of your answer. They want what they want, and they’re convinced that they are on the right side of the argument–biblically and ecclesiastically.
I began developing skills in building trust. I realized that the first step is understanding. This gets to the why of the myopic opinions that resist biblical truth and logic. Figuring out when I am understood and when I am not is one of the key indicators in determining if I will or will not pursue a relationship.
Why should I expect people will trust me just because I’m a pastor who knows Greek, Hebrew, and theology? I don’t trust knowledge or experience until I feel I’m understood. I always fly the same airline, not because their pilots are better or they have more experience than other airlines, but due to the personal experiences I’ve had when my flight is canceled that let me know they understand how I feel.
It’s the why, not the what.
This came to mind at one meeting with an entitled children’s ministry worker who was wearing me out. I trust it was the Holy Spirit and not my instincts, but suddenly I stopped debating the what of our decision to make a small change to the schedule. The next sentence that came out of my mouth has helped me avoid conversations that offer no win:
“I’m trying to understand why this is important to you. This doesn’t seem significant to me. But to you, it seems to ruin your church experience and hurt your faith. Can you share why this is important to you?”
They didn’t know what to do with that question because it forced them to look deep into their heart. “Why, exactly, do I care so much about this?” Ideally, they would follow that question with, “What does this have to do with what matters most to Jesus?”
If not, I would follow with that question. The why question exposes the shallowness of priorities and the non-essentiality of the issue.
When someone sits across a table from you in a meeting, they will get a sense of you, a feeling. “I don’t know why they seem so adamant about our music, our schedule, our priorities.” or “I don’t know what it is about them, but I just don’t feel good about this discussion.” Suspect that their fear of being controlled or hurt has tied their reasoning in knots. Keep repeating to yourself, “It’s the why!” Proceed with questions that have more to do with their feelings than their words.
Your first fleshly response may be the same as mine, “How could they think or say that?” That’s the what. Jesus wants you and me to get to the why. “What is going on in their heart that causes them to make a big deal about a small thing that doesn’t align with Jesus’ priorities?”
Your mission is not to defend yourself or prove your point. Your purpose, which is accomplished by the Spirit of God, is to build empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. This will reduce their anxiety and bring a radically different feeling to the room.
Here are a few sentences I’ve used in meetings that cooled the room and inspired trust:
“You seem to feel that change is dangerous. Help me understand what you’re trying to preserve about the past, so we can strategize how to change without risking that?”
“How much do you feel the other person involved understands what you are saying you need and want in this ministry and how you feel about those things? How well have the two of you communicated with one another about this disagreement?”
“What do you feel is missing in our understanding of your needs, our feeling of your needs, and our caring for your needs?”
As Dr. Henry Cloud says, “Leading someone to agree with your decision does not begin with convincing them that you are right.” It begins with letting them know that you want to understand.
Are scenarios coming to your mind? Have you sat across that table with people opposed to what you know matters to Jesus and tried to explain yourself, and it just made everything worse? If you suspect that you’ve been in that room too many times, this concept may meet your need to move the ministry forward and trust God with those who struggle with control issues.
This concept can set you free. Good-hearted, servant-oriented leaders can get stuck in bondage to a few entitled and immature believers who resist change and prevent them from doing what matters most to Jesus. Trust God to take care of these people and realize that, despite the pain, God wants you to love them with understanding and care for them while remaining committed to bringing change.
It is amazing to see the power of understanding operating in real time. I was sitting in an elder meeting charged with mistrust and ascribed motives shooting left and right. One dear brother who had been Jesus-like in his honesty about his OCD was squirming in his chair. I said, “I know this is hard for you. However, before you tell me what you don’t like about this idea, tell me what you like. I promise we’ll be sensitive to all of your fears and doubts.” It transformed the conversation. He said, “I love what the end result may be, but it scares me to death when I think about the particulars.”
Understanding builds trust. It did that night, and it will for you.
