The Problem With Inappropriate People
This is the ninth blog in the series, “A Field Manual for Pastors.” Each post will offer practical advice that I offer to pastors I work with. These are insights I never learned in seminary. They are lessons I learned from leading firemen and soldiers and from forty years of leading churches through every challenge imaginable. I will be sharing the core strategies I used as I sought to give my life to the church while protecting my heart and my time so that I could do what matters most to Jesus.
Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:32 ESV
“It’s the lady who always stops me to spill her guts just before I preach. She’s driving me crazy. I can hardly preach because it’s almost weekly. I’ve asked her repeatedly to please wait until after the service.”
“This family is so entitled and powerful in the church. Disagreeing with them always leads to numerous meetings just because they have the influence to demand it.”
“He feels compelled to correct my sermon every Sunday: the grammar, the theology, the delivery. I see him walking up, and I’m filled with dread. It leaves me depressed every Monday.”
“It seems everything we do revolves around not hurting this person’s feelings. We must make sure this one person is never uncomfortable or disagreed with or offended.”
These are common complaints from pastor couples when I visit their church to help them and their elders overcome a problem, get unstuck, build a disciple-making culture, or simply get healthy.
Let’s face it. Inappropriate people are a drain on anyone, including pastors, leaders, and missionaries.
Here’s a summary of what I tell pastoral and leadership couples:
It doesn’t make any sense to spend your time and energy proving that person wrong or trying to meet their demands; it’s a losing battle.
Far more effective is the exhausting but exhilarating work of making disciples, building community, forming groups that love one another, and looking for the best in every member of your church, including these inappropriate ones. Engage with people on the deepest level while being as kind as possible toward the needy and inappropriate troublemakers.
In humility, realize that you can’t possibly know what it’s like to be this person, and compassionately remember that they have no idea of the pressures you’re under and how the Lord is leading you to make this church relevant, alive, and healthy.
Do not trust your thoughts and feelings when someone pulls you out of yourself. You are a new creation in Christ and a servant to His people. Return quickly to your true place as His beloved, and pay no attention to what is tricking you into defensiveness and discouragement. Over time, with practice, you will be more prepared to deal with inappropriate people, and they will have less and less power over you. Cling to the truth that you are a child of God and loved beyond measure.
Ask the Lord to help you not to take it personally. Ask the Lord to work in their lives through community and discipleship, and trust Him with expectancy. My experience has been that they will either grow out of whatever has left them so inappropriate or lose their effectiveness in a healthy church. Sometimes, they will leave.